Fwd: If I had a #$@#$ I would . . .

From: Michael Fiore <nobody@texttheromanceback.com>
Date: Sat, Jun 2, 2012 at 1:42 PM
Subject: If I had a #$@#$ I would . . .

Hey, it's Mike . . .

OK, today's whole email is a joke for you.

It's kind of long one, but promise me you won't skip

to the punch line because it's pretty damned funny . . .

Before I get into the joke I need to tell 

you ANOTHER joke first . . .

"How do you tell if a woman in Las Vegas is a

prostitute?"

"She makes eye contact."

OK, now that that's out of the way . . .

A couple weeks ago my buddy Jared was

in Las Vegas when a beautiful woman

in a tiny black cocktail dress 

made eye contact across the Casino floor.

Jared felt a shiver go right down

his spine and right to  his crotch the moment

she looked at him.

She was gorgeous. Tall. Dark eyes.

A sway to her hips.

The woman walked over to Jared

and he bought her a drink.

She laid a hand on his bicep. Then

she laid a hand on his thigh and he felt

himself strain against his pants.

"So." She said. She gave him a little

squeeze.

"So." he said. "Uhh . . . um . . . how

much for a hand job?"

"A hand job," she said? And the words fell out

of her mouth like honey.

"Yeah. Yeah. How much for a hand job" he sputtered.

"A hand job is $1,000" she said, plain and innocent

like she was giving him directions to the mall.

Jared felt nauseous in his stomach.

"$1,000????," he said. "$1,000 for a hand job? What . . .

What makes your hand jobs so good that they're worth $1,000 dollars???"

A tiny smile crept across the woman's lips.

"Come with me," she said and she slithered towards

the casino door.

Jared followed her outside. 

"Do you see that Denny's down the street?," she said.

Jared looked and saw a Denny's about a quarter mile down

the road.

"Yeah."

"Do you see that other Denny's a little further down?"

Jared strained his eyes, but he saw it. Denny's are thick

on the ground in Vegas.

"I own BOTH of those Denny's because I give a hand job

that's worth $1,000."

Jared swallowed hard and looked for an ATM.

When the hand job was over Jared lay in

his hotel bed in a state of shock.

It had been amazing. The greatest hand

job he'd ever received. He wasn't even

sure he'd ever be able to masturbate

again because it would pale so much in

comparison.

Every muscle in his body was slack.

He felt . . . warm. Happy. Safe.

The woman walked out of the bathroom

drying her hands. She started walking

towards the door.

"Wait! Wait," Jared said.

"Uhh . . . listen. That was . . . that was

amazing. But I have to know . . . I just have

to. How much for a blow job?"

"A blow job," the woman said (or maybe

she purred?)

"A blow job is $5,000."

"$5,000???!!!!" Jared almost screamed. "Listen,

you just gave me the greatest hand job of

my life, but what the heck makes

your blow jobs worth $5,000????"

The woman walked towards the hotel

window.

"Do you see that hotel across

the street?" she asked.

Jared looked at the hotel. It wasn't

a huge casino or anything, but it was a nice

hotel with maybe 100 rooms right off

the strip. It was easily worth millions.

It had gargoyles that seemed

to stare at Jared with beady, hungry

eyes.

"Yeah. I see it."

"I own that hotel because I give

blow jobs that are worth $5,000."

Jared knew he was sunk. He couldn't

afford it but he HAD to know what

this woman could do with her mouth

that was worth $5,000 . . .

He went downstairs and got her a cashier's

check.

And the blow job was . . . amazing . . .

It was a religious experience for Jared. He felt

his body and his soul separate. He felt loved

and wanted. He felt powerful. He felt all

the stresses of his life . . . his wife . . .his

kids . . . his job that he hated so much . . .

just fade away.

And when she was done he just lay there

in total, absolute bliss . . .

He heard the woman gurgling with mouth

wash in the bathroom. She picked up

her purse to leave.

And even though he didn't WANT to say anything

because he KNEW he couldn't afford it 

he couldn't help himself . . 

"Wait! Wait!" 

She stopped.

"I have to know. How much for

the pussy?"

"The pussy?" she said and

she saw a twinkle in her eye.

She walked back to the window.

"Do you see Las Vegas out there? Do you see

the giant casinos, the monstrous hotels,

the hot dog vendors, the strip clubs, the

bright neon signs, the roller coasters, the theaters,

the working girls . . . do you see the cabs and

and the bouncers and the slot machines? Do you

see ALL of Las Vegas out there covered in light

and pulsing??"

Jared's mouth went dry. "Yeah, I see it."

"Honey, if I had a pussy, I'd own all of that too."

Best,

Mike

P.S. No big lesson here. I just really

like that joke.  

P.P.S. Question: You ever wonder why

incredibly hot chicks almost always

end up dating jerks and douchebags?

More on that later.

Text The Romance Back., 1463 E. Republican St., #28A, Seattle, WA 98112, USA